My Mom Died with MAiD — This was my Experience

It was about a year ago that my life changed forever, and it all started with a a call from my mom that she had severely broke her ankle and was in the hospital. I had no idea that a broken ankle in December would lead to my moms decision to end her life with MAiD (medical assistance in dying).

Before I jump into my story, I want to share a bit about why I want to be vulnerable enough to share this story to the depths of the internet. The topic of MAiD has been looked at and talked about from a number of different perspectives since it's ruling in by the Supreme Court of Canada in February 2015. Everything from is it ethical, sacrilegious, are there enough safeguards in place, and in some conspiracy corners of the internet that the Canadian Government implemented this to kill off our citizens.

But what I think is not talked about enough on this subject matter is that behind the politics, religious beliefs and conspiracy theories are real humans — spouses, siblings, children, friends and community members that have been pushed into the corner of life that is met with illness, suffering and a loss of purpose.

Understanding MAiD: A Son and Grandson's Perspective

Learning that your parent has made the decision to end their life with MAiD can be incredibly shocking to hear — but learning that your Grandma and Mom are both electing for MAiD within 8 days of each other was surreal — that's the word I would use to describe my experience.

But experiences can be vastly different for everyone — and that was my experience as I watched my grandma and mom pass away.

My Mom's Health Growing Up

Ever since I was 5 years old (I'm 39 now), my mom had health-issues. It started when she was diagnosed with MS — I remember vividly going to her neurologist when she was diagnosed and the doctor sharing with me what that meant, and how it could impact her life. As a 5-year old, it was terrifying to hear your mom was sick and with nothing really you could do to "help her".

As the years progressed, MS became just one of the illnesses she had collected and battled everyday. From 1990 - 2024, my mom had been diagnosed with 16 chronic illnesses and by about 2003, when she was 48 she could no longer hold her employment as a branch manager at the bank and had to go on long-term disability.

Over the years, there had been a handful of times she had been hospitalized for months on end — each time creating the thought of "is this the time she doesn't make it through". But each time, she battled through, we would get her home and she would say, as she taught me and my sister "count your blessings, there are other people suffering worse than I am" — that was the person she was.

Like any person who is suffering from a chronic illness such as MS, they often learn to live within their means and capabilities. My mom, was someone who stayed active in her community. She was the captain of a dragon boat team, called the MS Warriors — a team consisting of people with MS and volunteers. She volunteered at elementary schools, reading to children — partly because she had always wanted to be a elementary school teacher and the other part because she loved being "a kid".

It wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with COPD — a chronic inflammatory lung disease that obstructs airflow from the lungs, making it difficult to breath. Given her body had taken so much abuse from the other illnesses and the insane amount of medication she had to take to manage all of these diseases, getting COPD made her life incredibly difficult — slowly forcing her to pull activities from her life that brought her joy, happiness and purpose.

By the start of 2023, my mom's COPD had progressed aggressively and moved into Stage 4. The act of just getting up from her bed or the couch would be enough to take all the breath away from her, even with an oxygen tank attached to her 24/7.

When My Mom Told Me She's Using MAiD

My mom was 69 years old when she passed away on April 30th, 2024. But the discussions of her making a decision to end her life when her illnesses became too much for her and it took away her quality of life was something we talked openly about growing up. As a young-adult, these conversations are challenging to have with your parent — society doesn't like talking about death, we often do whatever we can not to think of moments in life when someone we love will be gone forever.

So when my mom shared she was moving forward with MAiD, it was a surprise but in the same token, it was a day I had been anxiously waiting for over the last couple of decades. But the challenge I was faced with was I didn't know anything about MAiD. I knew that it was a medical procedure and had been a bill passed by the government to allow but it left me with so many questions that I didn't have the answers to. Sure, there's a thing called Google that you can do research on, but when you're going through the pure raw emotions in the moment, my brain just didn't work like it normally does.

What I Did After My Mom Chose MAiD

After my mom told me she was electing to use MAiD, I remember driving to the beach and sitting watching the waves crash the beach like the news of this crashed into my soul. I cried, a lot. The tears were filled with so many different emotions — another experience that I had not to have during my time on this planet.

I was devastated knowing that in just a few short months, my mom would be gone forever — at least in the way I understand. But on the same token, I had this deep sense of gratitude and relief, which is incredibly weird to say — how can one be so sad about losing a parent, but also be grateful? Well, the gratitude came from the thought that my mom wouldn't be living on her own, suffering. I was relieved that she would be freed from the pain she faced every minute of everyday.

Navigating the MAiD Process

From the moment my mom shared with me her decision to the day of her MAiD procedure, it was about 4 months. If someone you know has just given you this news, believe me when I say this, that time becomes incredibly valuable — and what I mean by this is, when someone you love gets a date, you have this internal clock that's counting down in your head. You know how many days, hours and as you get closer, how many minutes you have left with this person.

There wasn't ever a thought of trying to "convince" my mom not to do this. Firstly, I loved and still love my mom to the deepest depths you can love. So when she made this decision, I knew that this was right — I may not like the decision, but I know it wasn't something that was taken lightly. Secondly, I knew that even if I had tried, it would have caused more tension on an already sick woman — and I wanted to make her final days and months on this planet so full of love.

What I Did in the Final Months Before her MAiD

When my mom made her decision and got her date it was hard to know what to do. Here's how I managed:

Getting Professional Support

The thing I struggled with the most during this time was my own thoughts and emotions. There were so many days I woke up already in tears, it was like a constant tsunami of emotions that, no matter how hard I tried not to feel them, they were roaring out of my body.

I made the decision to hire a counsellor, which was by-far the best thing I could do. As a 38 year old male, I wasn't great at talking about feelings or emotions — in fact, I had been a master at avoiding them my whole life. But I knew that if I didn't get help, these emotions and feelings could impact my final days, months, and moments with my mom.

Did working with a counsellor change how I felt? No. But it did change how I managed these feelings. I had a healthy outlet to talk about the sadness, the anger, the fear and every other feeling that popped it's gnarly head out.

Many of my sessions with my counsellor were centered around how I wanted to show up for my mom in these times. I didn't want to spend my final days with her crying constantly, but I also didn't want to hide the fact that I was sad and scared. My counsellor gave me the tools and support to get clear on what I wanted to ask my mom, share how I am feeling, and have the courage to ask her how she's feeling.

Getting Mom's Affairs in Order

This process of getting her affairs in order was another level of reality check — when you start to have the discussions about will's, executers and her wishes on what she wants done with the shell of her soul (her body).

I can't stress how much I now appreciate my mom making this a priority while she was still here and how grateful I am that she wanted this to be organized and clean.

My mom, my sister and myself sat down at mom's condo, going through every detail on her will and getting all her accounts in order. I will say, there was an element of this part of the journey that was easy — and when I say "easy", I mean by doing this work, it kept us busy and when you're busy, you can put your attention else where then the rawness of the situation which is your reality.

Mom's Celebration of Life

Growing up with mom as sick as she was, it wasn't uncommon for me to think about her passing, her funeral and what that day would look and feel like. As a kid I had pictured a ceremony that had a lot of sadness losing such an incredible person. But what I can say is that what I had thought that experience would be was absolutely nothing from what it was — and in all of the best ways possible.

When mom finally had her date, she started to plan her "celebration of life party". She joked and would say (but I know it was true), that "there's no way you're throwing me a party to celebrate me and I won't be there". If you knew my mom, that statement fit — my mom often thought of herself as Diana Ross (from the Supremes), she was the lead singer in every way possible in life.

As we planned mom's celebration of life party it was a surreal experience — this type of party felt like a milestone party you would plan. Like when someone graduates school, gets married, has an anniversary or retires — it felt oddly weird to plan a party to celebrate someones life and have them pass away two days later.

But as odd and weird as it was, it was truly one of the most beautiful days I have ever experienced. I think back to that day and I realize what a gift my mom gave me. That day allowed me to see over 100 people show up for her, each having their own experience with my mom — which gave me a peak at who my mom was outside of well, just being my mom.

Don't get me wrong, there wasn't a dry eye in the room that day — there was certainly tears. But, you know what there was more of? Laughs, hugs, smiles, and people getting the opportunity to see their dear friend, work colleague, team member, neighbour, childhood friend, and family member have one final day with everyone — and boy did she feel the love.

The Last Two Days Before her MAiD

After the celebration of life party, I spent the final 48 hours with my mom and my sister — that was difficult. My mom saved up every ounce of energy for her celebration of life party. A lot of those 48 hours, her body gave her no choice, but to lay in her bed with her bi-pap machine to breath.

It's those moments, the ones behind closed doors that most people don't see and why I think there's misunderstanding of why people elect to use MAiD. The day before at her celebration of life, you wouldn't have guessed she was that sick.

While mom was sleeping, my sister and I kept busy with her getting her things together to sell and what we wanted to keep. We sold mom's condo to her neighbour and had 1 month to get everything out and cleaned before she took possession 30 days after.

It's odd writing this and thinking back how hard that was. Time didn't feel real, I don't know how else to describe it. One moment, we'd be singing to Florence and the Machine and the next moment your brain kicks back to "you only have 15 hours left with your mom".

Our final evening, was hard. We asked mom what she wanted to have as her final meal and she said steak and lobster — I hate to give a reference to a criminal, but it many ways it felt like, how I'm sure inmates feel when they're on death row with their final meal.

We sat up and watched home videos — watching mom beam with pride and love for my sister and I. She was so proud to be not just a mom, but our mom. She told us how proud she was of us, and you could tell she was scared — this was the first time I saw any little bit of fear in her eyes. It really hit her that night, that this would be our last meal together just the three of us.

I didn't sleep that night, I stayed up and sat and watched her sleep — with all the machines running to keep her breathing while she sleeps. I knew that what she would be doing the next day was the right thing to do — but as her son, and her as my mom, I just didn't want to accept it.

April 30th, 2024 — Mom's MAiD Day

As the sun came up, I sat in my mom's condo, reflecting, looking at the hundreds of pictures that were coming up on the digital photo frame we gave my mom — this photo frame became on the best things we could have gave my mom in her final months. She would sit and watch all the photo's go by throughout the day — laughing and reliving these moments.

My mom elected to have the doctors come to her condo to do the MAiD procedure — she had spent so much time in hospitals her adult life, the thought of passing away in one was about the further thing my mom wanted.

As mid-morning came, my mom's siblings, her best friend, my wife, and even my dad (my mom's ex-husband) came to shower her with love and be with her as she prepared to pass away. We all sat with her, told her how much we loved her, and took our final pictures with her. You could tell that she was overwhelmed but embracing the incredible amount of love pouring her way.

As the MAiD doctor arrived, I could feel my body tense — the running timer in my brain was now below 1 hour, and we were in the final minutes of the time we had left with mom. The doctor brought her into her room, just them. This is the moment when the doctor speaks with the patient one final time to confirm they are in fact wanting to proceed with this — mom was ready.

We walked into her room, as she was laying in her bed and the doctor was preparing the medication. My sister sat on the left side of the bed, as I sat on the right side of the bed. Mom had created a playlist of 5 song for us to play before the doctor administered the medication — the final song that she would pass away to was Amazing Grace played by Scottish bagpipes (she was so proud to be Scottish).

As I sat down, and grabbed my phone to put the playlist on, I asked mom, "are you ready for your songs" — expecting that we had another 20 minutes left with the 5 song lined up. Mom, looked scared, and as if she was ripping off a bandaid to avoid the pain of hairs being pulled, she looked at me and said "put the bagpipes on". It was then, I knew there was 5 minutes left. I pressed play on the song, and I grabbed her hand. Since I was a kid, we would press our thumbs together, we called this our "secret sign" — she started this when I was 5, when I was scared about her health. This secret sign became the way we greeted each other, the way we said goodbye and I love you all in one.

As we pressed our thumbs together, I closed my eyes and just repeated to her how much I loved her and how incredibly grateful I was for her as my mom.

And then... the doctor confirmed she was no longer with us and had passed away.

Final Thoughts

I learned a lot through this process, which I will cover in another article. But what I will say, having a loved one pass away with the help of MAiD may have been the most peaceful, beautiful and empowering ways one can leave this planet. Losing a loved one, especially a parent will never be easy — but I hold a strong piece of gratitude for the process.

Secret sign,

Chris